I Confess! I Confess!
Before I get into the chatter of what i did and saw, who i met and the types of animals i've seen squashed in the road, I need to unload something, really get it off my chest. A month ago (can it only be a month?) when Ju and Kersh were visiting, I only spoke of my impending journey (I definitely said "journey" then - cuz they're Brits) with anxiety, fear of not being ready, a sort of, well, non-positive anticipation. They called me out: it doesn't sound like you're looking forward to it so why are you doing this? ... Oops.
What an opportunity to work on not being defensive that was. It was an obvious question to ask, hanging in the weighty air of my own stress; and thanks, Ju and Kersh, I'm glad you did. It's not like I hadn't thought of why i wanted to bike across America before. Isn't it obvious? I like to ride my bike, I'm into physical challenges like marathons and triathlons, I want to explore/have new and adventurous experiences, I want to confront my superstitions and prejudices that i have about my country, I want perhaps to create something out of it (e.g. a slide show to bore people with), I want two months off from work/life to get perspective - all those things.
I rattled off those reasons to plenty of people over the months leading up to the start of the trip. I got really good at focusing on all the positive stuff while absorbing concerned family members' fears (and not disagreeing with them, really, on most concerns). People's responses to my attempting this trek (now it's a trek - just trying to vary it, keep you guessing) have been overwhelmingly positive (with a good amount of "you're crazy" mixed in).
Ju and Kersh's question helped me to realize that my anxiety and fear around the trip, my lack of positive "yay!" excitement, are about my fear of not being able to complete it and being so public about it. When i decided to run a marathon for the first time, i knew that i could. Don't know why as i'd probably never run much more than 5 miles at that moment of decision; i just knew.
I know, I know. Whatever i accomplish will be a success and blah blah blah. I'll learn something.
Really, it's deeper than that, because this journey addresses so much of what I'm scared of in life. Strangers, churches, right-wingers, getting beat up cuz I'm gay, dehydration, humidity, gravel and wetness on the road, my own footing, fitness, fortitude or lack thereof, self-reliance, bears and rabid dogs, rotting animals on the side of the road, sudden noises in the bushes, loneliness and rejection, the dark, the unknown, failure, death.
I've spent a great deal of my life second-guessing myself, trying to put forth a game and skilled attitude in the face of sometimes crippling self-doubt. I'm not special for feeling this way, but it's my confession for today. When i thought of the title Handlebar Confessional for my blog, i didn't think i'd actually be confessing, because i'd spent months trying to convince everyone that i was super-daring and fearless - partially to allay your fears but also to shush the voices in my own head.
Let it suffice to say, as it sit here in a chilly, random hotel lobby in the South, it won't be fear that ends the journey for me - it will be my sore ass, i swear to the Universe.
What an opportunity to work on not being defensive that was. It was an obvious question to ask, hanging in the weighty air of my own stress; and thanks, Ju and Kersh, I'm glad you did. It's not like I hadn't thought of why i wanted to bike across America before. Isn't it obvious? I like to ride my bike, I'm into physical challenges like marathons and triathlons, I want to explore/have new and adventurous experiences, I want to confront my superstitions and prejudices that i have about my country, I want perhaps to create something out of it (e.g. a slide show to bore people with), I want two months off from work/life to get perspective - all those things.
I rattled off those reasons to plenty of people over the months leading up to the start of the trip. I got really good at focusing on all the positive stuff while absorbing concerned family members' fears (and not disagreeing with them, really, on most concerns). People's responses to my attempting this trek (now it's a trek - just trying to vary it, keep you guessing) have been overwhelmingly positive (with a good amount of "you're crazy" mixed in).
Ju and Kersh's question helped me to realize that my anxiety and fear around the trip, my lack of positive "yay!" excitement, are about my fear of not being able to complete it and being so public about it. When i decided to run a marathon for the first time, i knew that i could. Don't know why as i'd probably never run much more than 5 miles at that moment of decision; i just knew.
I know, I know. Whatever i accomplish will be a success and blah blah blah. I'll learn something.
Really, it's deeper than that, because this journey addresses so much of what I'm scared of in life. Strangers, churches, right-wingers, getting beat up cuz I'm gay, dehydration, humidity, gravel and wetness on the road, my own footing, fitness, fortitude or lack thereof, self-reliance, bears and rabid dogs, rotting animals on the side of the road, sudden noises in the bushes, loneliness and rejection, the dark, the unknown, failure, death.
I've spent a great deal of my life second-guessing myself, trying to put forth a game and skilled attitude in the face of sometimes crippling self-doubt. I'm not special for feeling this way, but it's my confession for today. When i thought of the title Handlebar Confessional for my blog, i didn't think i'd actually be confessing, because i'd spent months trying to convince everyone that i was super-daring and fearless - partially to allay your fears but also to shush the voices in my own head.
Let it suffice to say, as it sit here in a chilly, random hotel lobby in the South, it won't be fear that ends the journey for me - it will be my sore ass, i swear to the Universe.
I think you are super-daring, but I am still afraid of a dark basement... :-) Mas.
ReplyDeleteYour blog has quickly become one of my favorite reads! Not only because of the fun of following along with your journey, but because of the beauty and honesty that you write with.
ReplyDelete